What Your Family Doesn't Tell You About Your Battle With Cancer

     It has been said that cancer is a family illness meaning when someone in the family is diagnosed, it takes a toll on the whole family and affects the way they live their day to day lives1(Teschendorf et al., 2007). I used to think that this idea was a little insensitive to cancer patients until I became one myself. It is true that there is a very large adjustment in everyone's lives when there is a cancer diagnosis in the family. I sat down with my parents over FaceTime to discuss some of the things they may have been afraid to talk about while I was actively doing treatment. This conversation also helped me identify some issues I was struggling with since I have finished chemotherapy such as anniversary reactions like we learned this semester. It was interesting to see how their feelings differed from mine while we were all trying to learn to navigate such a difficult and new time.

    During the process of a cancer diagnosis, I became more and more aware of how not only my life would change, but my family's lives as well. When I received my official diagnosis of Stage 3 Lymphoma along with the exact chemotherapy drugs and routine I would have to complete, my parents and I were required to take a “chemo class” to go through a binder full of side effects and limits I would have throughout the 12 rounds of treatment I would have to complete. This was able to highlight the potential needs that I would need met as I go through my treatment for my parents and they were able to start getting a sense of what life would look like during this time. Some of the known challenges of caregiving are care demands, the emotional stress it can put on the family, etc.1(Teschendorf et al., 2007). Having as much knowledge about my treatment and the severity of the cancer gave my parents the best chance to prepare for switching from the role of parents to a caregiver. The only difference between just being my parents vs. being a caregiver was managing my 18 post-chemo medications, helping me with pain management along with physically moving me if I was incapable, etc.

    Something that I talked to my parents about when I was interviewing them was why they never wanted to express their sadness around me or why they sort of downplayed the severity of my cancer. My mom's response was simple, she said “I felt like if I showed you how scared I was of losing you and if we acknowledged the pain more, I would hear you say you wanted to give up.” My dad followed this by saying “we didn’t want to be a constant reminder that you had cancer by the way we were acting if we were always sad around you.”  While I understood where they were coming from, you can’t remind a cancer patient that we have cancer. We are aware of it every day. We are living it and trust me, we never forget it. Although they were the most caring and supportive caregivers I could’ve asked for, it would’ve been nice to have an outlet to talk through my feelings and emotions because honestly, I wasn’t scared. I may have been in pain but I wasn’t scared of the situation. 

One thing I can say about caring for someone with a serious illness and/or dying is that it is never bad to have open conversations about your fears and emotions (Harvey,2020). Allowing yourselves to have open conversations about the situation can not only relieve emotions for yourself, but for the patient too. They need to express their feelings and concerns as well and this way you are better inclined to help each other get through a difficult time when you know what each other needs.

     In the lectures we studied this semester, there were a few terms that stuck out to me. These terms were: anniversary reactions and traumatic loss (Harvey, 2020). When reading about these I couldn't help but compare them to my situation and it helped me explain to people that these are some reasons that people can't just "get over it". We need to feel the loss and realize that emotions have a natural flow to them. Sometimes we feel a more intense grief and other times it is a lot more bearable.  

    The term anniversary reactions stood out to me the most because around this time of my birthday and Christmas, there are the most anniversaries of my cancer. Beginning in November with the initial findings of my tumors, all the way up to December 23rd when we found out my tumors were cancerous and had spread throughout my body placing me at a stage 3 cancer patient. Learning about this term gave me the right words to express to my family that just because I am in remission, doesn't mean I will not feel intense feelings of grief or anxiety about the trauma I have been though. They were able to realize they just need to show up and be there for me while I am in a vulnerable state and help me wait for the wave of grief to pass. Since we have had this conversation, they have been so much more understanding and have been able to communicate my needs with me more effectively. This ties back to the journal article of communication with your caregivers. The more you learn and communicate new information with them, the better caregiver those people can be to you. It is not just up to them to figure out what you need. There needs to be a little bit of introspection to figure out the best way your caregivers can help you heal. 

    The next term of traumatic loss made me think of how I had to grieve the life I knew before cancer. With a diagnosis, there is a shift in your entire life. I call this my "new normal". Before cancer, I didn't think anything serious or intense would really happen to me and then one of the worst things happened. I had to learn to deal with permanent side effects of chemo, hair loss, weight loss, change in appetite, energy loss, a new and constant fear of my cancer returning before I can be declared cancer free, and so many other things. Saying goodbye to the certainty of my old life was extremely traumatic to me and was hard to realize I was going to have to learn what my life would look like from here on out. There are physical and mental sides to traumatic loss and it validated my feelings knowing that you don't have to physically lose someone to go through this. There are many applications to traumatic losses and that understanding was a big step in starting my healing process. 

1Teschendorf, B., Schwartz, C., Ferrans, C. E., O'mara, A., Novotny, P., & Sloan, J. (2007). Caregiver Role Stress: When Families Become Providers. Cancer Control, 14(2), 183-189. doi:10.1177/107327480701400212

Harvey. (2020). Grief Process [Powerpoint Slides]